Titles are for losers

bythestarlight @ 2006-03-05T00:59:00

2006-03-05T06:14:32Z

wow i update this as often as i clean my refridgerator.. hm.. well lets see whats goin on with me?.. in the moment im pretty tired cuz work was long.. but good :) i didnt have to deal with many crazy women which was nice lol..

work is pretty good, im gonna miss it when i transfer up to home for the summer.. seriously, i think hell will now freeze over because theres actually something about being down here that i like.. i jus hopes the girls in the 1's at home are pretty awesome like the ones i work with down here...

school makes me tired, and makes me not wanna go lol.. i just like way too much sleep for my own liking.. but my ration is that the older i get the less sleep i'm gonna be able to get so why not take it while i can?

oh! so this excited me on my shopping trip the other day.. so, for some reason i decide to go into express even tho ive never bought anything in there and, woo! i found the 2 exact things i was looking for ( and a tiny bit more than my budge but idc!) so that was pretty fun..

for some reason i been really nostalgic for summer. and i dont even like the heat. i just keep thinkin aout all the fun its gonna be and how i can be home and jus relax.. even tho i wont really relax cuz ill be workin and still in school lol.. but at least i'll be with my friends and i really really miss them..

but thinkin about missing all the people i love makes me sad, and i've been on this whole "lets not think about things that will ruin my day" kick.. so thinkin the good things about the people i miss is a yes.. dwelling on what i can't have and what makes me sad, bad thing... so i avoid the bad thing even tho it doesnt work all that much lol oh well.. i think its jus the optimist in me tryin to look toward the sun even if it is raining.. hm, thats all poetic.. which is a good sign its getting late and im tired cuz thats when the poet in me loves to shine.. see? my word are becoming more vibrant as i type lol...

um what else??... hm, me and jess are goin to florida this summer, and im sooo excited about that!! i'm a little nervous but it's gonna be suchhh good times lol

my hearts in an all right condition.. not so much in the shattered state anymore... not in the whole state... jus kinda hangin out and healin little by little.. what is good tho is i feel like at this point, my heart really has its best friend back.. its real this time and thats a nice thing :) so we'll see how things go there.. im prepared for the worst ( which does have a tendency to show up when i least except it lol ) but hoping for the best.. and right now im jus somewhere in between :)

so, im pretty damn beat so im off.. fun update, lets do this again sometime...lol im so weird but idc! i <3 being weird damnit! lol

so im eating cookies for breakfast...

2005-11-28T14:16:48Z

hm, so its been forever and a day since i updated this thing.. or really n e journal for that matter.. idk, i've gotten incredibly lazy and i don't think that'll be changing any time soon.. so lets see, whats new with me.. i guess a lot.. school sucks.. i wish i could just quit school cuz i can't stand it, and the terrible part is im really trying to be happy down here this year.. i think pomona just isn't right for me and wasn't right for me and never will be right for me... but since the credit system is fucking retarted if i decided to transfer somewhere else i would lose credits and have to take more classes which is beat.. so, fuck that..

um, thanksgiving just passed. that was a nice weekend.. incredibly busy and fast but wonderful to just be home.. i miss home, and being able to be home for four days and then have to come back here makes me really really sad.. but oh well, i definatly enjoyed my time home while i was there..

on the plus side, i stopped biting my nails, yay!.. it's almost a month since i've stopped and im very very proud cuz thats taken me a very long time to stop doing.. but i have so yay :)

lets see, friends are still pretty awesome.. my heart? umm.. pretty much broken into a million pieces but i guess you win some, you lose some and i definatly lost this one.. but no wories, i'll win it again eventually..

im pretty damn tired all the time and i dont know why.. if i could sleep 14 hours of the day.. i would.. and that would be so nice.. lately i think i've been attempting? because i skip class constantly to just sleep.. um, my throats pretty much on fire cuz my house was like living in an infection this weekend.. ew..

and, um, i think thats pretty much it.. i'm off to class in a few.. ttyl!

wow, my life is dull

2005-07-04T05:40:21Z

my life is dull due to the fact that i live at loews theatre... no thats not true, but it feels like i do.. i work so damn much and i know i shouldnt be complaining cuz i know other ppl work more than me.. but shit, i give you all credit cuz workin 7 days str8 sucks like hell for me so if u work more, i'm a give u a big pat on the back.. shitt...

but yea, so i been workin from like 6 to 1 in the morning the past 3 days, the 2 days be4 that i worked from 9-5 ish and tomorrow and tuesday i work 6-1 about too.. so that should be loads and loads of fun yeah... but i been tryin to get my ass up early some mornings to go out and do things, but that just gets really exhausting.. haha 1 of my friends at work goes "wow you look exhausted" assuming i worked all morning, but when i told her i didn't she was like "oh".. so that sucks that its that noticeable that im so tired..

but oh well, im done complaing... other thigns in my life r really good.. the 2 main thing that sucks besides work tho is being stuck home when i dont have enuff time to go out and i jus wanna rela and not be bothered but every1 in my house feels the need to converse with me.. it pisses me the fuck off, and i can be as mean as i want, nobody gets the hint.. that sucks lol

but things w/ friends and all other categories are wonderful.. its hard to make time for every1 but im tryin to do it as best i can.. i made sure i dont work the 11th, 17th, and the 31st this month so i can celebrate 2 very important birthdays and 1 day just for fun lol but yea so now im going to bed.. goodnight! :)

hmmmm

2005-06-15T16:39:21Z

so, ive got a half hour be4 i need to shower and get all clean for work... so hm, whats new with me? i really dont think much... i feel like i didn't work that much this week even tho i did.. my weekends and weekdays are all off.. because my days off always seem to be tuesdays, wednesdays, and thursdays.. so thats kinda like my friday sat and sun.. but thats if im lucky enough to get 3 days off.. i got my schedule for next week (fri-thurs) and i'm workin 39 hours.. which makes me think 2 things: 1. they like me/i sell a lot for them/both and 2. that gives them the ability to make me work an extra hour in total ( which incorporates the time is takes to do closing duties, cleaning out the popcorn bin, etc.) without having to pay me overtime again.. which is 9.37 due to that whole time and a 1/2 rule...

but yea, now that i look at my calander monday was my only day off so far, which means i worked 5 days this wek also.. which i didnt even realize lol.. but it kinda sucks cuz i miss out on a lot of things that i want to do.. like sleep, and spend time with friends, and do laundry, and be able to wear my hair down, and shit even just wear jeans and skirts.. thats not so much of an options with this work schedule.. but oh well, i'm makin money and not too many others are so i mean that gives me some sort of benefit... but somehow the money doesnt seem to matter when u miss out on time with the people you care about the most...

but anyway, in the times that i do get to go out, i've been shopping, and driving, and being at peoples houses... but im not really getting the 1 thing i need, which is driving me insane because im getting mad about it and my anger is getting misdirected unintentionally... which i hate... idk, lately i've been getting really mad about a lot of things... i think its been unleashed because i held in my anger for a really long time and now it's kinda expoloding every chance it gets.. thats weird...
but yea so am i so it balances lol but ok i have to put my laundry away ( because i actually got a chance to do it, which means i dont have to alternate the ssame 3 pairs of black socks for 6 days... yea, you do the math then smell my feet.. eww..) lol ok now im really done

god i feel like i've been so busy

2005-06-02T05:06:51Z

but really not that busy at all honestly.. i've just been working so much.. and i love it so much! i love being around all those people that i dont know.. i love the people i work with (well some of them i am convinced they dont like me, about 3 of 4 of them, but thats ok).. i just love it.. it feels like its exactly what i need.. and i needed to do it alone.. idk.. i feel like something in me is changing again.. like, im testing all these things im afraid of or unsure of and finding out how un-scarey they really are... idk... all these great thoughts.. but happy thoughts.. granted, my mood still does get drastic to that low but it's so much shorter than it used to be...

its weird, my life is in a really great place but sometimes i need to stop and just remember what it feels like for it to not be like this and how far ive really come.. and its just weird realizing how different things are and how i never thought it could be like this.. i feel like somehow i've transformed into this whole other person and its just odd.. idk lol..

ok im tired.. im off goodnight :)

bythestarlight @ 2005-05-29T01:40:00

2005-05-29T05:43:54Z

so beat.. quick update.. been working, a lot, like everyday pretty much.. dont like the aactual job but i absoultely love the people.. and i love the fact that im doin it on my own.. i didnt get hired with anyone, or cuz of a friend, and im making these friends on my own.. what i should haeve done 8 months ago in school but oh well lol.. tonite was the first nite i actually went out on about 4 days cuz i've either worked at nite or been exhausted.. so i went out after work and had a really good time.. and whats also great is i get to sleep in tomorrow cuz i have work at nite.. on a final note, my next invetment will be some of those nite dr. scholl's gel inserts for your shoes because i really dont like standing for 9 and 1/2 hour w/o something for cushion.. that is all

so, um, just kiddingg

2005-05-22T05:07:57Z

totally went to work tonite, and it reallt wasnt so bad... i worked coffee bar which was easy and thats nice.. plus i really realyy like the pople that work there, so friendly and helpful and kind... really a great environment.. that makes me happy :) so lets just say im a big talker, not a big do-er lol.. and i just get scared too easy.. okies well im off, nite

bythestarlight @ 2005-05-21T12:32:00

2005-05-21T16:35:27Z

i dont want to go back.. yesterday was my first real day and i absolutly hate it... im even more scared to go today then yesterday... its making me so much mroe stressed out then i should be.. i feel like ever since i've turned 18 (which btw was my worst birthday ever which might have been a sign) things have been really really hard, and even be4 that things were hard, and i really was just looking forward to this summer being sort of a break.. and maybe i'm just really being stupid and naieve to think that working wouldn't be so bad...

but it really feels it.. a hugeee part of me doesnt want to go today, just not go, fuck the 3 days pay i'd get, and never go back... but then i'd never wanna show my face at that place again... plus i need the money, and my parents would be up my ass and hate me even more then they do now.. plus i'd feel like a failure cuz im not the type of person to just stop going after 3 days.. when only 1 of then was actual work.. but god i want to be.. i wish i didn't care how mny actions would effect other people.. i wish i was a selfish asshole sometimes.. that way i didnt have to care about anyone else and i could do anything i wanted and not care about my actions and their consequences.. but i can't do that because thats not nice... and not showing up today would be horribly not nice, and the people were so nice, even if the actual job was incredibly overwhelming and frustrating.. on top of all the frustrations and things i hold onto for too long and they just sit there waiting for something like this to set me off and break me down.. these past couple days have just been pretty crappy.. well, no, wednesday was an incredible day, but y-day and the day be4 were shitty...

and i just dont want another shitty day, and i can almost gaurantee that this job will make today a shitty day.. shouldnt you enjoy where you work? i used to enjoy blockbuster.. i honestly did.. until school came and it was too hard to do with the hours and pay... but idk.. i feel this is my chance to change things.. like, i havent liked college al year, but i stuck with it to try and make it work and it really hasn't worked.. and i feel like why should i do the same thing at a job that i have a choice over? cuz then my sumer is gonna be as horible as this year has been.. all because im afraid to deal with what will happen afterwards.. cuz it wont be pleasant...
ughhhhhh, why is it that im so willing to make myself so unhappy just so other people will be happy with my choices???? ugh, idk.. i got a few hours to decide, so i guess we'll see...

homeeeeeee

2005-05-09T06:00:52Z

seriously, it feels so good to be home.... its great, im not stressed, im around all that i love, my skin is clearing up and going back to normal due to the massive depleation of my stress levels, ANDD this was the first sunday that i realized i dont have to go back to school which is so nice to know i dont always have to leave the people i love and who love me in return... ands i havent gotten to see some of these amazing people yet but i shall, hey it's only bee 4 days and the first consisted of unpacking it all...

but really, things are pretty good right now.. i got a lot on my mind but entirely about myself.. idk, i feel like i've changed but for the bad and im realizing a lot of things i've never noticed about myself.. like, for example, the other night when i was in my car and idk why but i looked in the mirror and it was weird cuz it didnt feel like me.. in the mirror i felt pretty but in my mind i dont.. i still feel like i look like the 12 year old girl i used to be and im so conflicted about that... theres a part of me thats old, and mature and knowledgeable but then theres this other part of me i havent noticed (until i went away to school) thats still that akward girl and stuck at 15 not sure where to go because shes so unsure and thinks nobody knows her/likes her/wants to be around her.. and these 2 voices fight in my head.. and i guess they always have and ones always been a bit stunted at growth but its time it caught up... i have the self esteem now its just the security with myself i need.. i need to feel like a whole person and i know thats exactly what this summer is.. every summer has a meaning for me.. freshman year summer was the summer i learned what a life was and enjoyed it.. sophmore summer i hit a low point and reflected and picked myself back up... junior summer was the soul searching summer where i found myself... and last summer was when i realized there really are some good people in this world to share ur life with... now this summer is the one where i grow up.. cuz honestly, i wanna be 18...

i wanna feel 18, i wanna look 18, i wanna be 18... i wanna start feeling entirely secure with myself, i want to start taking on more responsiblities, i want to start being as independent physically as i am emotionally, i feel like this whole school year i've been fighting so hard to not grow up and given every excuse in the book why i shouldnt and all i got in return was tears, anger, and stress... so its time, and im ok with doin it now.. cuz i think i needed that shock of, oh shit heres the world and oh shit i'm still a little kid inside, and oh shit its time i start to deal with these things... and i had to realize this on my own.. and i did so now i'll do what i need to to get there.. and i will.. little by little i'll get there..

so yea, theres my realization for the night lol okies ttyl bye

"here we go yo"

2005-05-02T04:56:29Z

tell me why this song is so funny?! if your reading this you should listen to the song listed above ^^ and tell me why some of the lyrics are as follows:
but heres the real scoop
yes yes ya'll
CONTACT
how now brown cow

yea, that makes me smile :)

so hm, this has been a lovely weekend of horrible excellent-ness.. friday sucked.. i mean sucked.. i mean, i was out of my house for a total of 2 hours tops... the last time i sat home on a friday night was in july.. and that was by choice.. i think at least.. but yea, i thought i wanted to stay home but once i realized i didn't it was too late to call someone up.. so i just waited for them to get out of prom and hung out for an hour which was kewl but made me feel un-godly old.. and slightly reminiscent even tho i honestly didn't enjoy much about prom except taking pictures ( this could be because im not so much of a dancer, and if i am it's not a good one so that stays behind the closed door of my room when i do decide to bust a move )

saturday was the most fun with the most intensly angry morning... but yea i dont wanna get too into it.. so then, i saw a lot like love which was way too cute which made me super happy even tho about 7 or 8 months ago it probably would have made me sad.. but im glad those kinda movies dont have that kinda effect anymore... then i spent a 1/2 hour in my car in a parking lot with some good chatting that made me feel better from my grumpy morning.. then i had to go home and nap due to a shitty headache.. woke up, put on a hat and makeup, hung out with a butt load of people which is something i was completely craving cuz sometimes u just need to be around 15 people in applebees and be able to hold conversations.. and every weekend is filled with me and jess making a trip to pathmark at midnight to pee.. just this week we weren't mad at anyone which was nice :)... so, then drove around a bit and had some good chatting wit 2 ppl.. ( there were a few things in between that i left out, like sitting at washington for 2 hours doing NOTHING be4 applebees and goin to st. matts playground after pathmark peeing )..

then today was ok.. again, a shitty morning, with a good half middle, then a shitty 2nd half of the middle, then a great ending... consisting of a lot of driving, i mean a lot of driving, i mean i drove around for 45 mins and then the hour and 1/2 it takes for me to get down to school now cuz i decided i <3 doin 80 on the pkway but i think my cars getting too old to <3 it still too so im trying not to push it past 73.. WHICH SUCKS MIGHT I ADD! but ok, so yea, besides driving there was a trip to loews to turn in my application, (ps - i need a job) a trip to burger king, a trip to 2 parking lots, and a lovely walk...

and um, yea i think its been a long time since i wrote about my weekend in here so there ya go.. now i shall go to bed so that wednesday can come sooner AND I CAN FUCKING BE IN EDISON FOR 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT WOOO FUCKING WOO!!!!!!!! :) :)

and that is a completely sincere woo fucking woo btw

i'm just a fool for you

2005-04-26T02:56:16Z

wow so today felt like a trip down memory lane... i been thinking a lot today, but in a good way... since i have no class tomorrow tonight consisted of doing pretty much nothing.. and nothing.. and uh, more nothing... i drove around and sat online, and visited a site entitiled teenopendiary.com, which brought back a lot of memories.. it made me kinda smile but kinda frown at the same time to see all these girls who are 15 having these diaries and writing about their depressing lives... i swear it's just something about being 15 that kill's the whole fun out of being a teenager.. or maybe its just a jersey thing cuz i only looked for ones from jersey cuz i wanted to find new bands to listen to and well.. jersey kids on that site tend to put what their listening to at the time.. kinda like what me and all my friends used to do.. and it's funny.. i still remember how to steal every single code that they used and yet i can't figure out how to make my myspace pretty w/o a friggen editors help... man i feel old, or maybe i jus have more of a life to not sit around and find and learn codes?? lol idk

but when i was driving i also found a song from when i was 15.. sad song, all about insecurities.. the song is called am i not pretty enough by kasey chambers which is apparant that its about insecurities with a title like that.. idk, im jus thinkin a lot today.. i been thinkin about how much i used to write and how little i do now.. i guess thats not true, i write a lot more then a realize but i kinda miss the tormented soul.. i wrote some powerful shit back then lol.. granted, i still get that tormented soul but when things are so good its hard to get back to that place.. which is good and all cuz i love to smile but i miss my talent.. now i write all these cute happy things that would make my 15 year old self entirely too jealous and probably want to beat this 18 year old self up lol...

but i guess thats really good.. im pretty happy right now.. and thats a really nice feeling... i mean, thats not to say somethings zaren't pure shit i just dont think about em cuz if theres n e thing that my 15 year old self has tought me it's not to dwell on the bad stuff and look to the good.. oh wait, i've always been like that lol.... eh, well now i might go do some homework...

... or maybe not lol

what a WONDERFUL start to my day

2005-04-20T13:56:02Z

i fucking hate people.. i really do. especially when it comes to talking to someone whos suppose to help you in a situation instead of be a fucking bitch. people at the commerce in galloway (right by pomona)= helpful and considerate.. people at the commerce in edison = fucking bitch who didn't know shit about my situation and pretty much rushed me off the phone with a fucking attitude at the same time

what a great thing to deal with before class... considering i hsvent been to these classes for 2 class days in a row and the people in my group for the project are probably going to kill me and hate me... how wonderful... ugh, sometimes i really really hate my life and would really enjoy crawling under a rock and just disappearing

but i shouldnt even be talking, people are in worse situations then i am, and handle it better then i do so i guess i shouldnt be complaining, i just dont understand how friday and saturday and sunday during the day were so great, but then it all went to shit so fast and i just feel like im being bombarded... i just don't understand how this could all happen like this? i just feel so alone...

bythestarlight @ 2005-04-19T19:45:00

2005-04-19T23:56:27Z

Can someone please tell me why everything's gone to shit? Cuz i'd really, really like to know the answer. This has got to be one of the worst days i've had in a while. I have so much on my mind i don't even know where to start. Maybe my family is a piece of shit and i can't wait till i can finally financially support myself so i can be done with all of it. Maybe i've got to many thoughts going on in my head as it is. Maybe my car breaking and my debit card being lost and then stolen and all my $ is gone is making me just a tad bit stressed out. Maybe i'm just feeling kinda lost in my own world. Maybe the fact that people treat me like shit and i take it all the time is making me feel fed up. Maybe i'm tired. Maybe i want to cry. Maybe, just maybe, every single one of those horrible thoughts i thought went away are all flooding back making me feel like maybe just maybe i'm the one who's got it all wrong and i deserve every thing i get. Maybe people are horrible to me for a reason, because maybe i really do deserve it. Maybe i really am entirely irrisponsible for losing my card. Maybe it definatly is entirely all my fault about my car. Maybe i'm not allowed to make mistakes. Maybe im just a fuck up. And even if i'm not a fuck up, maybe my family can't see past my fuck ups anyway. Maybe this weekend was one of the best i've had in a long time so now i have to be punished for having such a good weekend. Maybe i just don't deserve it. Maybe it's not me, and its the people around me. But honestly, i don't know how that could be. Because it's the saying that when it's everyone around you it really is just you but you can't see it? Well, maybe i really can see it and maybe i really do realize that it's me and i've got it all wrong. Idk. Maybe..

Random Ass THoughtsss

2005-04-15T04:32:06Z

ive been in this hugee mood to write lately.. i've been writing on anything and every where and as often as i can.. which is weird cuz im really not even that inspired about what to write and its all coming out like crap lol but hey, no harm in doin so n e ways rite?

today was a pretty good day, ... wow my mind is wandering so much im not even focusing on the entry, at all... so, hm, i shall type my random tnoughts..

sometimes i get way to embarassed thinking about the stupid things i did 6 years ago.. for some reason i still can remember at least one hardcore embarassing moment from each school year and to this day it still makes me feel embarassed in the kind of way like people are pointing and laughing at me... soemtimes i really hate my past, jason, he just popped into my mind, i wonder if hes in jail? i hope so, no i don't, idk who reads this so i can't exactly write the next name that came to mind, but it makes me smile, a lot, sometimes i just sit and smile and not realize i am because of this name that i can not put in here... im really lucky, im not big at taking for granted, but im a huge hipocrite... im reall yhappy i dont care so much about my weight anymore.. its like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders... haha that makes me laugh cuz its kinda an unintentional play on words... junior year i get semi bitchy with a waitress when she didnt bring my cheeseburger fast enough.. caity, april, and noel can still recall this day and make fun of me for it.. im glad im not friends with caity anymore, i really strongly dislike the person she is.. i do however miss the friend she was, its easy to miss who people were.. the hard part is seeing them for how they are now... ohhhh, i like that, thats a good phrase lol

sometimes i just write and say things without realizing what im saying, thats always kinda fun.. maybe thats why i've been writing so much, i kinda just wanna see what comes out.. i feel like myself again, i feel like i can pick myself up again, i feel like i can take on anything again but i'm still afraid of the world.. sometimes i miss getting drunk... idk, i liked me drunk but thats only cuz i wasnt afraid of anything.. i didnt care, with the exception of the last time getting drunk, i always knew what i was doing i just didnt care so i went wit it.. but in my mind i have this vision of the last time i got drunk happening again and being taken care of again by the person who did last time but that definatly would never happen again because situations are much different then they were then... but both situations were very good.. but even still, sometimes i just miss the fun i would have.. but somehow i know it wouldnt be so fun anymore.. like, i'd drink a lot too quick like always, get pretty drunk, laugh a lot, maybe have fun, maybe get mad, prob make a lot of phone calls, and prob not remember parts of the nite.. and feel like hardcore shit the next morning... but honestly i'd much rather have a fun sober night with people i love and remember it then have to drink to have the same efect plus a really shitty next morning and not remember some of it... i think i hate the not remembering the most, thats the one thing i hated, cuz i never kno what i did.. and the things i do when im drunk are stupid... i cant exactly control my body so well and i tend to talk to myself in the mirror hardcore when i pee to let myself feel how drunk i am.. cuz usually i try to fight it for a while... but i fall off things, and fall into things, and sometimes get real emotional and spill some secrets that i wouldnt have done so if i was sober.. idk..

romy and michelles high school reunion, i would like to watch that, i have it at home under my bed on tape but i dont have a vcr at home.. i do in my dorm, i never use it... weird.. im pretty happy.. thats a nice feeling... im scared, and im really jealous right now of everyone who gets to be home and go out and have a good time and hang out with their friends cuz im at school and i have to do all this work.. thats why i <3 coming home, i can be with the people i want to be around... i really like rap music, i love all music.. most days i have music going every second im in my dorm... and in my car.. and in my head lol.. i love to sing, but im horrible at it.. i cant really sing around too many people.. its one of the few things i get incredibly self conscious about... used to want to learn how to play guitar.. but then i didn't want to n e more.. im not really as inscure about as much as i used to be...

i still get nervous letting people read what i wrote... im so afraid of a reaction.. i dont wanna suck at it, thats why i try so hard to not suck at it, cuz its the only thing i've ever been good at... idk, i think im tired so im done lol

bythestarlight @ 2005-04-06T12:29:00

2005-04-06T16:47:16Z

SO IM PRETTY DAMN PROUD CUZ THIS IS THE FIRST JOURNAL I'VE MANAGED TO KEEP FOR A YEARS TIME! lol even tho theres a bigggg gap of time i didn't write, thats ok... so right now im being a hard core procrastinator cuz i should be studying and/or taking a shower but i dont want to cuz its 12:42 and i only been up for 45 mins so im not ready to start my day.. especially since i went to bed at 4

but there are good reasons for that cuz i was reading an amazinggggg book :)i love being able to pick up a book, get swallowed into it and read for hours and hours cuz its just that good.. only a few books have been able to do that to me and man o man is that an incredible feeling... its like the feeling of a really good hug when u need it but u dont tell ne 1 u need it, somehow they just know and it makes you feel like you can stay in it forever but you know it has to end and thats ok because you got your time with it... thats how the book makes me feel lol i know, im a big dork but hey, why not be a dork whos passionate about something like reading?

i love this weather, it makes me so happy, ITS ALMOST TANK TOP AND JEANS WEATHER WHICH IS MY FAVORITE WEATHER EVER! im pretty excited that my parents r goin down to atlantic city this saturday to sunday AND next saturday to sunday... andd then they're suppose to go down the one after that too lol so how amazing would that be for 3 weekends? lol crazy!! lol ok well now i must get goin with something ttyl!

bythestarlight @ 2005-04-04T16:47:00

2005-04-04T20:54:18Z

i only seem to update when things are bad... but things aren't so bad right now honestly.... i kinda feel like im slipping back into some of my old ways of thinking which is really bad and im gonna start pulling myself back out of it because i think im the only one who can considering, its my mind and all lol... my heart is solid and strong... almost all of my best friendships are amazing except for one which is hitting a bit of a speed bump at the moment but hopefully that'll get sorted out tonite... things with my family are.. well its just family not good not bad not anything really so yeah... and my dogs are wonderful even though my one dog has a cyst on his paw and has all this medicine :(

i feel like i have a lot to sort out with myself because im happy with who i think i know myself to be but at the moment i feel like im changing who i am to make other people happy and as much as my goal is to make other people happy i gotta stop changing for other people... but except for somethings goin on right now with an important person everything else is just wonderful.. and im incredibly confident that soon this thing with that important person will finally be all better soon and everything will be sorted out and talked about and just be all better lol

but now im off to nap and then study, ttyl

i wish i were back in my bed fast asleep...

2005-03-05T16:57:16Z

... but it looks like thats not happening which really sucks.. cuz granted i did wake up around 11 but i went to bed at like 2:30... so thats, what, 8 and 1/2 hours? that sucks! AND i discovered (the hard way might i add) that my milk spoiled last night so i can't even eat some cereal or peanut butter bread or anything breakfast realted... i mean i do have 2 bananas but i want something breakfast-like... ok enough of my rant

last night was pretty good, which is really great to say considering i've basically had 2 good days down here in a row.. THATS SO EXCITING!!!!! lol... wow, i am a big big dork... but, tis ok, i've always been a dork, no change in that now... but in all seriousness i feel like im myself again, or starting to become myself again, instead of whoever i've been down here and i kinda like feeling ok again.. im proud, i didn't cry at all yesterday.. i felt myself tearing up a little bit when i listened to.. well, the song im listening to right now ( which would be akon - lonely ) but i changed it cuz i refused to cry yesterday.. which is really good cuz thats the first day all week i haven't cried... technically i probably could have but thats not the point! lol thats what im talking about, when was i someone who cried every day? honestly the way i've been has scared the shit out of me cuz its a side to myself even i've never seen so i can only imagine the way other people feel about it...

but idk, i mean right now im as happy down here as i could be and granted i do wish i was home with the people i love but since that can't happen i might as well stop throwin this fit that i've been throwing for 6 months and make the best of it.. cuz when i was driving around last might i had a bit of a realization, i may call everyone else out on throwing their adult temper tantrums but im just as bad as everyone else... if i dont want to be somewhere i damn well am not gonna make a point to have a good time and im gonna make it known that i dont want to be there and unfortunatly i tend to make the people around me as miserable, and this part i dont mean to do anymore it just kinda happens cuz i bitch and cry about it so much... because when i was little thats exactly what i used to do and it would work, we'd leave, and granted i would get in a lot of trouble for it but i got to get out of where i didn't want to be...

and i guess part of me kept hoping if i threw a big enough fit i wouldnt have to stay here... but its good that i stay here, i need to deal with myself and granted i know exactly who i am but i need to start using that and stop throwing these fits, and it took me a long time to get some self esteem but maybe now its time to work on everything else i dont have, i would put what that is in here but it makes me nervous cuz if it takes me a while i dont want to seem like im failing so i'll keep it to myself for not but i do know that damn straight i will make it all ok... because i know i can, and honestly i dont like the fact that ive been a weak vulnerable sad dependent mess lately.. cuz i know thats not who i am, i mean its a part of me obviously but its not a good part of me.. and i miss myself lol and granted its ok to depend sometimes and be weak sometimes and be sad sometimes etc. but thats not the kind of girl i've ever been and im not really ready to settle into it...

i feel old, and i feel tired, but im not ready to stop fighting yet.. i've always fought with myself to figure it all out and i gave up for a little while, but i think im ready to keep fighting to make myself ok... cuz as much as everyone can help me, and they do and its much appreciated and needed, i need to make it right for myself and i will... and i think thats whats been making me smile cuz i feel like im back lol and i like it :)

sometimes it just takes that push in the right direction to get there, and now i got my push for the one person who tends to know me a lot better than i know myself sometimes, and now i can get there...

in other news theres a lot of stuff ive been putting off that i need to do when i get home next week... i have to get my ass to the dmv to make myself license all new and what not.. change my bank accounts over because as of now my dad can still access all of my money, and thats not a good thing ... and then i gots to get myself a hair cut and my nails need to get done ( and maybe this time she'll hear me when i tell her to cut em down lol ) and then i have to spend time with the the people i love and OF COURSE MY DOGS!!!!! ( who, might i add, just turned 3 a fe weeks ago and i think pretty soon we will have had them for 3 years, man time flies!)

ok, now im done! :)

im waiting for my laundry to be done so i can take a shower

2005-03-01T20:13:19Z

a shower would be lovely at the moment because i am disgusting.. i mean really disgusting, i mean i havent fully showered in a long time due to lack of time or lazy-ness.. i probably smell... that is gross... this is why i am disgusting...

but i am also sick, which sucks a lot.. i thought i was getting the flu but i think im wrong (woo to being wrong!) but i can absolutly gaurantee that i've never sneezed as much as i have sneezed today ( i think im up to maybe 30?) and i am not usually a sneeze-er, so thats pretty odd.. but it feels so good when i sneeze, i feel like all those yucky things sitting inside of my nose are gone... and its nice :)

im in a pretty decent mood, i didn't go to class today which is not good but it was the first time all semester i skipped cuz i really am sick, and i figure if i dont catch it and take care of myself today while im not too horrible i wont get worse... but i do know if i push myself i will become disgusting-er than i already am and possibly lose my voice again, which CAN NOT happen.. its bad enough i get horrible service on my phone, i dont need a lack of a voice too...

one tree hill is on tonight, im pretty damn excited about that! woo! ... this weekend was pretty good... well, at times good and at times was not due to my inability to control my emotions lately... stress has just been entirely overwhelming at school and i am constantly on edge here so when i go home im still in attack and work mode so when i start to calm down a little bit something minor sets me off and i burst.. which isn't so great.. cuz bursting usually consists of getting really moody and angry then crying my eyes out and then trying to compose myself and forget about it all.. which is pretty much what happened on friday but much more crying than anything else... saturday was pretty normal but thats because i pretty much kept myself away from lots of people... and sunday was just like friday... and yesterday felt pretty much like friday and sunday did but with the added stress of a presentation and 2 tests...

but today i feel pretty ok, ya kno minus the whole sick thing, i just hope things start getting better, because i dont know how much longer i can take this emotional turmoil.. the good thing though is i swear to god i have the best support system in the entire world.. AND did i mention 1 tree hill is on tonight?!?!?!?!

What a great weekend :)

2005-02-22T15:02:22Z

this was a pretty good weekend! :) friday i watched napoleon dynamite with some great friends, saturday i spent the night at applebees then playing pool with some more great friends (Plus a best's cousin who was kewl), sunday i went to the mall and had a weekly chat at coldstone with my bestestestetest..... then played and watched need for speed 2, then went bowling with 3 other bests, then monday went to the mall and my house and at night actually sat down and wrote my essay that i thought i just wasn't going to do, and this morning i dropped my brother off at school cuz he overslept a lot and then i went to dunkin donuts and am now here at school... pretty eventful and really fun... i havent played pool or gone bowling in a really long time, and it was just cheap too which made it even better lol.. and it was a lot of fun going to applebees with a lot of ppl...

it sucks that 2 ppl didn't hang out this weekend because i think that could have been fun too, but oh well i guess, some people are just too kewl to hang out with us little people. i still had a really good time, and this weekend coming up i get to go home for 1 more time, but then i have to wait till march 11th. which makes me sad :(, but it works out good cuz midterms are coming up so it gives me a weekend at school to make me study.

i really dont want to go to this class, but i have to because i have to turn in that paper that i actually did, and take a quiz, and finish my presentation, so i dont have much of an option, but thats ok cuz afterwards i get to buy some food :) ... which just reminded me that i forgot all the food at home that i wanted to take back with me :(,but it's ok cuz i still got food here... so its ok, everything happens for a reason i completely convinced...

which reminds me that lately im believing in god a lot more, which im pretty happy about cuz it's taken me a good year to see that it all happens for a reason, and that god ( he or she or it) is not out to take ppl out of my life and hurt me ... it's just the way things work sometime and it just makes me a stronger, better person for it :)...

im just feelin pretty happy right now and thats just a great thing :)... ok, im gonna finish gettin ready for class which i have to leave for in 10 mins so ttyl!

wow i should have slept more

2005-02-18T16:02:41Z

i have a total of 5 - 10 minutes left of time to kill before i need to walk myself to class... i've already killed 15 minutes.. thats a lot of time to be doing nothing lol... but oh well

i get to go home today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that makes me superduperextremelyyyyy happy!!!!! :) :) ANDDDD IT"S FOR 3 DAYS!!! THATS EVEN BETTER!!!!!! woo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yea, i miss home far to frequently and far too much, but i do not care because i love it.. shoot..

so far todays been good.. even tho it started at 9:45 and it's only 11... but thats a start! and im pretty happy cuz 1 of the people i deal with here who was pretty friggen mean to me is getting whats deserved and i didn't have to do n e thing :) and that also makes me happy.. fucking karma, damn straight

i like that phrase, damn straight, i dont know why, i will probably starting using it in exorbiant amounts... (i dont think i spelt that right)

hm, ok i have 3 minutes, that gives me time to put my jacket on and then leave, very good, ok bye

song on repeat

2005-02-16T05:57:56Z

when i am in a bad mood and had a bad day i tend to play a certain song, if i can find it or if it plays on random on my computer, then i listen to it over and over.. which i am doing, listening to it over and over

because come on who can't relate to the lines "i just wanna feel alive" and "i just wanna be happy" when their sad? i know i sure can, hence why it's on repeat

i dont feel like talking anymore, i feel like when i do all i do is complain about my life or whoever i'm mad at this week, i feel so angry and upset and stressed.. but hey, that seems to be the fucking norm at this here college

my family knows im not happy here, they know it, i know it, everyone around me knows it, so why the fuck do i stay here u ask? because im scared... because i keep hoping it's going to get better... i keep hoping for 2 week spans without crying ( i did good, i've at least gone 1 week without crying, so now im trying for 2)... because i know next year my friends can come see me... because i dont want to be the girl who changed her life to be by everyone else when i dont know if everyone else would be willing to do that for me

but wait, did i make this choice because other people made me anyway? hm...

this distance kills me, it just eats away at me until theres nothing left ... i've stopped playing my sad song #1, now here comes dashboard.. (btw #1 song = goldfinger-Happy)... and in sad song # 2 "this is about as social as i get know" seems to sum up my life here.. i have 1 friend, and im lonely

granted, if i gave up my <3 to have friends i would be an alocoholic, anorexic, asshole who cuts all the time.. so i mean, i guess i can deal with some loneliness to be happy at least 2 days out of 7...

and i want to apologize for always complaining in this diary but i dont because i have always had to make aplologies to people for complaining in my diaries because people feel the distinguished need to comment and make me feel bad about how i feel so FUCK THAT... shit...

being here make me feel like there are intense strains on everything at home, i feel intense strain, i feel like theres not one week without some sort of horrible day... if not 2, if not 3... if im lucky i get 4... yea, lucky...

im always ready to come home, and when i come here from home i feel ok because i still have those warm fuzzies from being in edison, but monday sets in and the fuzzies disappear and my frown seems to be permanant... wow, some o fthese lines are really poetic, i should remember that... write another poem about how sad i am, cuz thats just what i need... right... i've got at least 400 pages of sad poems, i think a few more happy ones are in order.. but if only i could find that happy place again...

here comes sad song # 3 (#2 btw was dashboard confessional-saints and sailors) and here i am sitting here alone in my dorm room with the door locked and the window open... weird

idk if im just depressed.. god, when was the last time i've let myself be catagorized in that?, i try not to use that word anymore, because i love to think that im not, and i dont know if i am, i dont think i am, i've had some shitty days and am incredibly stressed and dont know where to turn...

sometimes i wake up and would rather stab myself in the leg then go to class because i hate this place that much.. i'd rather "break and take it with a smile" ... wait, i do... or i try to, i try so hard but trying is just useless...

idk, im just gonna keep these songs on repeat

so jus procrastinating

2005-02-10T18:41:57Z

i have no motivation what so ever to do n e thing i wanted to do today... im not too sure why that is... oh well...

so today, i was walkin back from class and i look thru the windows of classes when i do and i saw a ballet class... that got my thinkin about when i was 4 and took ballet, and then quit... then i thought about when i used to play the keyboard, and then stopped... and then i was thinkin if i woulda stuck to them maybe i woulda been a famous dancer or pianist, but im glad i didn't because i wasn't ment to do either of those things.. then i thought the one thing i could always do was write..

i was writing songs before i knew how to write, literally... i would make up songs when i was a wee-little one and my babysitter would write down the words for me.. in 5th grade when i was still playing keyboard i would make up lots of songs, i'd say i made at least 30 of them ( stupid me threw them out a while after i made them but still..)... in middle school i wrote stories ( horrible, horribbleeeeee ones, but finished ones none the less).. my greatest accomplishment was writing a 25 page one, also in 7th grade.

last year in creative writing i was incredibly proud of myself, i had great control of the launguage, i feel increidbly confident about almost every thing i wrote, because pretty much everything i wrote got rave reviews from the class... i actually finished some stories, some damn good stories too i might add ( finishing stories is not something i can do without a deadline, i can come up with the idea, start a page or 2, then i get distracted and forget about it) ... and i wrote some insanely good poems, ones im so proud of..

but lately, i feel like im losing it.. that inspiration i could always find comes on very short amounts on a limited number of days... i mean, i write everyday.. at least something... weather it's in here, my journal, a list of what i need to do, a thought, a line, a poem, an email... always something.. but most of em are shit and thats incredibly upsetting... because if i don't have writing to get me somewhere, what do i have?

somethings gott change

2005-02-03T21:21:37Z

i know something has just got to change... i don't know what but i know something has to because the way things are going i feel like being in this atmosphere makes me go insane..

i drove around before, for a good hour and usually that helps me clear my head... but it didn't, i still feel so stressed, and angry, and upset and i dont know what it is about this school but something about being here does it to me

i honestly want to cry everyday if not every other day, because i feel like my emotions are compeltely out of control... but when im home, im normal

i dont even want to type right now, because i keep typing and typing and writing and screaming and driving and crying and no matter what i fucking do i get no where

and thats frustrating

so this was the greatest weekend ever

2005-02-01T18:01:51Z

this weekend, ugh, amazing.. i <3 going home, i have so much fun when i do... it makes me happy, and thankfully it's only tuesday so im not too sad yet.. and i doubt i will be because i have the reminder that i get to be home this weekend...

i went out lookin for a job y-day.. i hope i get 1, anyone, i dont care, i will work cleaning up someones shit if it means 1. social interaction and 2. money to save up for all the good stuff i want.. like to go to cancun, and to have a better car, and to move on out on my own... all that good stuff...

i just need to do something to improve my quality of life here at this college.. cuz im not happy, i know this, i keep trying to convince myself that i am but i know that i'm not.. i keep hoping that next year will be better, but if anything i bet it will be worse because at least now i have the dorm where im constantly surrounded by people... but next year im gonna be in an apartment with 3 other girls and thats it.. but at least all the people who matter the most to me can come visit me because they'll have cars..

idk, im hesitant at looking into other colleges though because how do i know i wont be as unhappy there as i am here? and even still, i dont know if all of my credits are going to transfer and i dont know if they'll have what i want... im so afraid to look though because i don't know if it's even going to get any better.. but im afraid of everything, maybe i need to stop that and take a chance.. i just need to really think it out because i dont want to leave here and go somewhere else and hate it even more and want to be back here and not be able to come back..

i mean i really dont like it, but thats only because i love being home but if home can start coming to me next year then do i really dislike it that much? i mean, ok, i like the class settings, and the requirements aren't too bad.. and the food isn't so bad.. and the area is pretty rural and that really sucks but im used to it as much as i dont like it... i think it's just the fact that im so alone here and that sucks.. and i guess it's my own fault, im just honestly not good at making friends at all.. i never really have been.. i just tend to stick to 1 or 2 people and from there i make other friends and so on and then end up with a bunch of different friends... and i mean im good with being on my own, i just tend to feel sad when im alone because as shy as i am i feel happier when im having a good time with people...

but then again, a lot of the time i surrond myself with bad people.. usually with people who make me feel like an outsider or like im nothing or i just dont feel adequate.. and its weird, because i dont know if it's me that feels like that and just am insecure or if it's really them seeing me like that and makes me feel like it... i feel like its more then than me.. because i know who i am, i love who i am, i am incredibly comfortable with who i am and granted i need to stick up for myself more and im not as confident as i could be but i feel secure with who i am and i feel like i have self esteem with myself... but maybe i just think i do but i really don't... but that doesn't make sense because i feel completely great when im with the right people that i know accept me...

maybe i just let what people think of me influence how i feel.. so then it would be people and me.. people think of me as ::fill in how they think of me here:: and in turn that makes me feel how they think of me because oddly enough i dont care what people close to me think of me because i know they already accept me and love me for who i am but i always feel judged by people i don't know and probably wont ever see again.. that doesnt make sense but its how i am.. idk, ive just written down much of the process of analyzing myself in there here entry... so im done...

so much for talking about my weekend lol

bythestarlight @ 2005-01-28T14:42:00

2005-01-28T19:49:13Z

last night i did some good crying... and im so glad i didn't get my period yet... because usually when i flip out like i did last night it's a pms thing.. but i'm glad it wasn't because i knew they were real feelings, not just pms and i didn't want to get my period today and feel wrong...

im still kind of sad, and i think im probably gonna cry again this weekend, but at least i feel a little better... i feel pretty stuck where i am but at least im getting an idea of where i actually am...

i didn't go to my last class today... for 2 , sorta 3 reasons... 1. all it is is copying notes from a power point and i can and will get those notes from my friends... 2. i want to get home sooner to go out to eat with my dad and 3. cuz shoot, if everyone can skip the other day and i took the notes for everyone, i feel entitiled to get notes from every1 else when i skip lol.. but thats not really a reason...

i have a huge guilty conscience for not going though.. next week i swear im going to every single class even if it kills me... i have to.. well, unless the service ends up being during the week then i dont have a choice but we'll see... other than that, im going! and that is that...

monday im finding a job.. thats my goal.. to apply every single place i can... and get a job.. because i need something to occupy my time with as well as money... money is nice

but at least today is a step up from last friday.. last friday i didn't go to any of my classes.. today i went to 2 out of the 3, and the one i skipped isn't mandatory anyway... so im proud about that...

ok, well im done, gonna get gas and then go home, ttyl